Wednesday, August 12, 2009

For All the Lonely Ones

Hope she's still single dudes

Reasons why I should be your girl: The punk/alternative edition.
Date: 2009-07-16, 2:48AM EDT

If you opened this post, chances are, you're curious as to what the title alludes to. Just to put this out there, I'm real - not a bot-generated pseudo sexpot trying to stick your computer with some of the e-herpes.
I'm sick of dating insipid, ungrateful assholes. I'm not going to spew a bunch of bullshit like other ads saying that "OMG I NEED A REEEALL MAAN WHO CAN TAKE CARE OF MEEE". Truth is, I'm in college, you're (hopefully) between the ages of 18-23, and probably don't have a 9 to 5 white-collar job with a 401k that pays enough for you to drive your badass porsche. And you know what? That's fine with me.

Anyway. Onto the whole "reasons" portion of my ad. I will give it to you in list form because that seems better than assaulting you with a wall of text.

1. I am smart enough to use big words in appropriate situations.
2. I have a mohawk. A fairly large mohawk, a few piercings, and can sport a pretty unpleasant scowl when necessary. no one's going to fuck with you if they see your girlfriend's some punkass bitch that could probably curbstomp their head in, right?
3. I am a legit bisexual, I've dated girls before. That means I've been on your side of this whole "relationship" thing. I am not going to try and imprison you with my compulsive girly insecurities. I'm not going to make you stop hanging out with your friends or prevent you from going to shows. I won't even tell you to stop guzzling nasty PBR or to put that fatass joint down long enough to have a coherent conversation. And I'm certainly not going to bitch about it to my other lady friends behind your back (unless you fail to share said fatass joint with me.)
4. I am well-read. I am very familiar with most pop-culture references (especially ones that deal with retro shit- my specialty.) so on the off chance that you're sober enough to drop some laugh-inducing reference to a terrible 80's move you saw when watching TNT the other day, I WILL ACTUALLY GET IT.
6. I love movies. I love HORROR movies, and the older/low-budget they are, the better. I think films such as Braindead, Army of Darkness, or Nekromantik are fucking hilarious. That means that you won't have to worry about spending precious money on movie theater dates, because chances are, I already bought/legally obtained that shit. The only exception would fall under Rocky Horror midnight showings.
7. I can sew and paint. That means I can make awesome patches of your favorite crust bands, then sew them onto your totally awesome punk rock jacket for you. I can also do deathrock, anarcho, and most psychobilly logos, too.
8. Remember the bisexual thing? I'm not going to bitch when you remark about how Kat Von D/Bettie Paige/Patricia Day/[insert other pinup model name here] is totally bangin'. In fact, I'll most likely agree with you and then continue painting the Crass symbol onto the back of your favorite black t-shirt.
9. I'm loyal. Do you know how hard it is to come accross a guy like you? Of course you don't. So if you really are the one-in-a-million, smart, funny, attractive, punkass shithead that I'm looking for, I will not be looking elsewhere. I promise!
10. I can cook anything for you, as long as a microwave is involved at some point.
11. Are you computer retarded? No problem. I pretty much rule at computers and can probably fix it for you! How useful is that?!
12. I enjoy the smell of cigarette smoke. Being a smoker isn't a necessity, but if you do smoke, that's pretty damn hot, so I'm not going to bitch at you to quit.
13. I am impressed by the little things. You don't have to buy me shit to make me happy. You don't have to clean up nice and take me out to a semi-fancy restaurant. You can continue to spit on the ground, make sarcastic remarks about how society "conforms to generalizations created by capitalist pigs", and laugh about skull-fucking dead babies. Being yourself is good enough. Just be able to come around and see me every once in a while, k?

Hope that covers everything. If I'm the sort of classy broad that's worth your time, please feel free to message. I have a myspace, your pic gets mine, etc.

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